Nothing Fancy

No fancy post today. 
No illusions.
No facades.
No omissions.
Just me...

I have been racking my brain for a post topic, but all I keep thinking about it myself and the rawness of how I feel.

I don't know if there is someone that needs to read this message, or if it is for my personal gain (saneness maybe?).  But here it is...

A couple weeks before Christmas, I moved to Franklin without my husband...he worked his two-week notice at his job.  The weekend before the holidays, he joined me.  We were fortunate enough for him to get hired on at Harrah's Casino in Cherokee, and I was lucky enough to be offered a full-time position as well.

I wish I could say that I accepted the position...but I turned it down.

I am almost 22 weeks pregnant...not a good time to begin a new endeavor.  After speaking with the head of HR and employee relations, I found out that I would not be given any maternity leave, and I did not qualify for FMLA until I have been with the company at least a year.  The casino has strict hiring guidelines, and high costs.  Not only are uniform costs deducted from your initial paycheck, but so are fees for your gaming license (required if you work on the gaming floor).  Add the cost of gas and food, and you are in debt before you even start your first week. 

I was advised by the company to either work, resign, and re-apply after I'm ready to go back to work (forcing me to pay the above said fees again), or just wait.  So, after a LONG discussion with my husband, we decided that it would be best for me to just wait.

A few posts ago, I mentioned that this week has been empowering to me.  I have begun to take a hold of my life and be the grown-up that I never felt I was.  But why do I feel so bad?

I have never stayed at a job longer than a year; I have never finished a degree (except for a college transfer Associates); I rarely finish projects that I start...all of these things make me feel guilty.

Guilt...
Maybe that is what I am feeling.

Guilt of being the burden...guilt of being the failure again...of not accomplishing anything...disappointing my husband and my family.

Yes, I'm pregnant, but that isn't an excuse. 
Yes, I'm trying to start selling PartyLite, but it isn't bringing in a steady paycheck.

Maybe it's depression (can't take my meds while pregnant)...maybe it's something deeper...

All I know is that it is wearing me out and I am ready for something positive.  I have been proactive in changing my bad habits.  I have done my best to remain positive and act like I'm happy.  It's hard.  Anyone can relate to this.

PRETENDING TO BE HAPPY WHEN YOU AREN'T IS HARD!

It is actually exhausting.  Blame hormones if you want, but there has to be a reason why today has been so rough.  Physical pain aside (silly baby), I wish I could pinpoint the exact cause of my distress. 

I'm going to try and drown out my sorrows with something productive...maybe working towards a "finished project" will help.  All I can do is try, right?