It may seem as if I have my life figured out and my priorities in order,
but that is far from the truth.
I have some faulty wiring...
I have depression...tell me something I don't know, but I am on medicine that controls it.
This doesn't mean that I don't have my string of days that I don't feel as if I'm falling apart and don't want to continue on the happy trail that I was following.
Whether this chain of events is caused by loneliness, finances, stress, or some other factor, only God knows the truth. But something in me breaks and keeps me from continuing in a strong and confident stride.
I am happily married to my best friend, we have a beautiful, 6-month old mix puppy named Elphie, and I am employed at a job that I love doing. Why the long face then?
Faulty Wiring...I swear by it. It's as if my mental wiring got mixed up, and when a trigger hits, *ZAP* There goes the happy, productive, and confident Tiffany, and here comes the "I don't give a crap," and "I don't know why I gave up" excuses.
I've been trying to dig myself out of this hole since August...I'm just NOW getting to the edge with and can feel the sunlight on my hands as I reach for a root to grab onto for support. I haven't reached the fresh breeze on my face yet, but I am on the right track.
I would like to credit my family, friends, and husband for the healing, but I can't. I sought out help. Despite the many negative experiences I have had with therapists throughout my college years, I gave it one more shot...and I nailed it.
As a friend told me, seeing someone isn't going to be a 1, 2, or 3 session transformation. This is going to take time...time that I am willing to devote to.
Scared out of my mind, I went to the session expecting to sit down with someone much older than me while they aske me questions and just listen to me talk with a pad and paper in hand, taking notes. Could I have gotten this SO wrong! The woman is in her mid-30s, is an avid runner, and has a Mac Book. Questions were asked, but not in an invasive way. We actually had a conversation about dogs, running, health, along with the occasional funny stories about her trip up north. I felt comfortable and cared about...unlike the other situations I have been in.
This past week, I was given "homework." I was to make a list of EVERYTHING that I have been wanting to do/finish. This included projects/activities that I started and stopped, projects/activities that I want to begin, and other activities (like chores, errands, paperwork, etc.) that I have been putting off.
I began the list Tuesday morning at breakfast (since I was off of work). The list went down...and down...and down...then onto the back page. HOW DID ALL OF THIS FIT INTO MY DAILY THOUGHTS???
I was to then place each activity into priority. I added a step by catagorizing each one by either "Things to do myself" and "Things to do together" (together with hubby). I then chose one thing off of each list that I wanted to accomplish first and got to work! By that afternoon, hubs and I were able to knock 2 things off of MY list and 1 thing off of OUR list!!! WHAT AN AMAZING FEELING!!!
Since then, he has started to take care of things on the "together list" (like hanging apartment decor we got) and we have begun the process of scratching off some of MY list items (like paperwork processes).
I don't know why, but I'm feeling happier and more in control. If something comes up, it gets added to the list. It's like a transplant from my mind to the paper. Kind of like God. We are to give HIM our worries and give HIM our troubles and trust that HE will take care of it. I need more of this in my life.
Healing won't happen in one day, one week, or even one month, but at least I have taken the steps to prevent this repetative pattern. Bad days are still going to come, but I know how to control the depth of my emotional fall.
Although I may have faulty wiring,
I'm taking control of the electrical tape.
